Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in ben8251985's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, February 17th, 2007
3:57 am	tonight I think I might like this girl, though she is in WEX and she is transfering next year to florida. Neither one of us had anything to do tonight so we hung out at the rec and then we came back to my house to watch a movie. Nothing happened, I wanted to put my arm around her but I realized I don't really know her that well. Her facebook profile says she's single but I'm not sure what that kind of relationship could do to our friendship. It's hard to tell, maybe I did the right thing by not touching her or maybe now she thinks I'm boring and I blew it. Damn it I wish these things were easier but nothing that has meaning is easy. Well whatever happens happens I guess. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: The Dope Show-Marilyn Manson (Comment on this)
Monday, January 15th, 2007
2:16 am	my own pathetic fucking existance well I went to my doctor last week. I'm back on anit-depressants. Not that it helps much. I find that it takes my mind off the things that I think about the most, sex and suicide. It's harder now. Going to college and studying to become a police officer. Who the hell would hire me to be a cop when I have this fucking depression in my head. I think I need to go back to see my psychiatrist. When I talk to my friends about what is depressing me, what they say just doesn't have any meaning to me, like what they say doesn't mean anything. I just wish that I could feel nothing just for one day. Nothings going to change, I'll still feel like shit. My whole life is a joke. No. At one point it meant something but like usual I fucked everything up. I'm seriously considering joining the navy. Go full time and sail out of here, get out of this fucking town for a long time. I don't even know why I'm even going to school now, no ones going to let me be a cop. I need to get myself straightened out and just forget that these last two years ever happened. (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
11:27 pm	ramblings I feel like crap again. Been inside all day, well I did go to the rec center. (I'm up to 134.5 lbs I hope I can reach 150 by the end of the year. I think when I first started going to the rec in 2004 or early 2005 I was at 117 lbs.) I applied for a job at Target. Money's going down, getting desprite now. Maybe I feel like crap now because I haven't had a cigerette since thursday. I want to quit but now it seems like all the jagged memories of my life are coming together to form this big cloud over my head. Damn. I don't want to smoke anymore. Also I just don't have the money for it now. Well I do have about $230 left but I don't want to inhale it all. Last night was fun. I meet up with Tom, Todd, and Jeff. I finally got to see Miami Vice. Better than I thought, an action cop movie with a hard R rating like Lethal Weapon, you don't seem movies like very much anymore. Well I liked except I wish Crocket's love interest wasn't asian. I reminded me of Megan. It sounds stupid but every time I see an attractive asian girl it reminds me of megan. Geez I miss her. Some times I want to cry because of it. I wish I could go back to last December and stop myself from leaving her. I was scared, over reacted and made a mistake. By the time I realized this and wanted to crawl back to her I guess she moved on. Well fuck it's something I have to live with now. God Damn I want a cigerette now, don't have any, I don't think I even have a liter. Well I'm drinking now so I can't go anywhere, Yes I drink by myself because I'm that fucking awesome. (I'm being sarcastic) No I gotta stop. Going to be a policeman (hopefully) I've done questionable things in high school that might keep me from my dream job. Well I can play bass, that takes my mind off things. WEll gotta study again tomarrow. Weekends aren't bad I need a job to keep me busy and my mind off things. Another reason I'm glad I'm out of papa john's don't have to keep wondering if jill's going to come in. She did visit alot, I haven't seen her in awhile. maybe two weeks. I don't know. Shit I need to think of another movie to watch. I don't feel like watching leaving las vagas again. I watched like 100 times over the summer. (It's about a guy who's lost everything and moves to las vagas to drink himself to death. the best part for me is that the character's name is also Ben) hhhmmm maybe I should start watching more comedies so I won't be so no-nonsensed all the time. Oh, I don't know what to do. I wish I had some novacanine or had an operation like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where it would erase all the memories you had of a person you dated. I don't mean that in a bad way, it just gets hard when you've gone out with someone and shared so much with them but your not with them anymore, you want to be but you fucked up and they moved on but for some reason they keep talking to you online and they won't let you forget about them. "Gotta find a way A better way I better wait" Current Mood: drunk (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 19th, 2006
4:37 am	"Shakes? Me too. I get them bad....part of the business."-Blade Runner I can't take this. I can't sleep. When I try I start crying. I feel like my heart is going to punch a hole through my chest. My head hurts. I feel angry, scared, mad, I don't know what to do. Maybe the reason why my head hurts is because I can't stop thinking about what happened. I did quit my job though. I can't believe it. You hear about that shit happening all the fucking time. I knew something was going to happen I should have listened to myself but I didn't and almost got the shit beat out of me. I can't push it out. One guy grabed my legs and tried to throw me on my face and then he tried to kick me. I'm so fucking greatful for those karate classes. I was able to remain calm until he backed off. Then the other one started running toward me. I tried to run for my car but he went around the other way and would have beat me there. Then I was running for my life. After a dosen times I finally dialed 911 correctly but the cops didn't show up. I was alone in this gutter of a neighborhood not knowing if they were still following me or if they had knives or guns or what on them. Good thing I was able to get my blood up in the moment and get angry about what had happened. I dialed 911 again to see if the cops were still comming but I didn't want to wait anymore. I was on the phone with the operator until I got back in my car. I still can't believe they didn't steal my wallet or my cds. I can't beleve people like that. If you can even call them people. Fucking young black kids from some shitty part of town pull shit like this and then they're proud of it. I can bet that they're laughing they're asses off about it now. I hope the police catch them and put them away for a long long time. "People" like that are fucking scum a total fucking genoicide is the only way to deal with them! I mean god damn it! Why the fuck is it that when ever you hear about something like this happening it's always some black kid? Fucking hell! And the asshole how had to go behind my back to make me fall tried to kick me and started calling me a nigger. What the fuck is wrong with this world? God damn it I can't believe I still fell in to that. I mean that's happened before when someone wants you to go to the back door and it's in a shitty area but usually nothing happens and you begin to trust it. Then when it does happen you feel like a total fucking idiot and wonder why. "Every time you think you know Just what your doing That's when your troubles exceed They push me in a corner Just to get me to fight but They won't touch me Just scream and yell And fight all night You can't touch me I loose my head I close my eyes You can't touch me Because I've got something I've been building up inside I'm all ready to go THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME! THEY WON'T CATCH ME!" -(Out to get me-GnR) I'm a total fucking reack right now. It's been almost four days and I don't feel better. I do have more motivation to get through the next school year so I guess that's a puls, If I can get my concentration back by then. Of course that's another thing I started to think about. UT's right on the edge of a shit hole as it is. How do you know if when you see someone, they're a student or they're just a piece of trash that walked on to campus from one of the shit holes off of door street. I was feeling so edgy today I tried to get in touch with Josh but I remembered he had his whole day planed with Angela. I called Casie, Jill, and Tom but no one would answer. I didn't feel like locking myself inside all day again so I just drove around and smoked almost two packs of cigerrets today and listening to music trying to take my mind off of things but it didn't help. I just need to be around somebody but this was just one of those times when no one was there when I really need it. "Trying and Lying Defying Denying Crying and Dying WHERE IS EVERYBODY?"- Where is everybody- NIN Nobody was home either. My parents went to the lake and my sister was at work all day. Just me feeling so alone and helpless and scared. I was actually thinking about driving up to the cottege today and staying until classes start to see if I could relax and forget about things. Fuck, classes start in like two days and I'm really not ready to do anything. I feel like I'm going to have a total fucking break down. "Guess I needed Some time to get away I needed some peace of mind Some peace of mind that would stay So I bumed it Down to sixth and LA Maybe a greyhound Could be my way Police and Niggers-That's right! Get out of my way Don't need to buy none of your Gold chains today And I don't need no braclets Clamped in front of my back Just need my ticket Till then Won't you cut me some slack Immigrants and faggots They make no sense to me They come to our country And think they'll do as they please Like start some mini-Iran Or spread some fucking disease They talk so many god damn ways It's all greek to me Well some say I'm lazy And others say that's just me Some say I'm crazy I guess I'll always be But Its been such a long time Since I knew right from wrong It's all a means to an end I I keep on moving along Radicals and Racists Don't point your fingers at me I'm a small town white boy Just trying to make ends meet Don't need your religion Don't watch that much T.V. Just making my living baby Well that's enough for me." -Axl Rose (GnR-one in a million) And theres more and I left the chours out but fucking hell I never really liked that song till I started working at papa john's Mainly I'm trying to vent right now (It's not really working) but if you think that songs offensive try delivering in that area for as long as I did and put up with and go through all the shit I did and see what it does to you. I don't know if I'm really racist. Josh called it being a culturalist I think. I don't really hate all black people just fucking black kids who pull the kind of shit that happened to me and other drivers. Trust me I wasn't the only one that worked there who felt like this. I also didn't know how racist people were around here till I started working there either. Then I heared alot of racial remarks come from other drivers, managers, and customers. I heared it alot from people taking phones (and myself) about how some forigner calls in and get's pissed off and starts yelling because we can't understand a fucking word he's trying to say because he can't speak fucking english and then we can't find the house because he gives us the wrong numbers for his address. Fuck. I gotta try to get to sleep. I can't stay up this late anymore my classes all start early. Christ I wish I could make myself feel better. I need to find a new job too but I remember what a pain in the ass it is to go job hunting. I wish classes didn't start for another week. That might make me feel better. Damn my parents took all the beer with them, I guess in a way that's a good thing. I wish this world didn't suck so much. Current Mood: indescribable (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
9:10 pm	well I feel better now I got a little steamed last night. Mostly because I was so lead on by Jill and then...blam. Oh well. I'm kinda happy now actually. Because what would have happened if we did hook up? Then I'd really be in trouble. She did seem like she wanted to start a family really soon and I'm just not ready for that. Besides I've worked my ass off in school to just drop everything like that. Besides I don't think I'm the type of person who could start a family in the next five years. Oh well...come what may. Current Mood: calm (Comment on this)
1:29 am	I give up Funny how things can suck so much so fast. Alan, a guy I work with told me his friend Jill liked me but was afraid to talk to me. I got her number and gave her a call. She was really happy I called, she said that she "Had been eyeing me for weeks now." We went out Sunday and it went really good. I was really excited about her because I saw how well we could get along. She wanted to hang out Monday before she had work. Texted me that morning said she couldn't hang out but she'd call the next day. Well she didn't call today. I finally texted her about a half hour ago. She said that she's "actually kinda seeing someone right now." but still wants to be friends. She said that she had been talking to him for the past three weeks and he just all of a sudden asked her and I guess she couldn't say no. Despite how excited she was that I asked her out she quickly didn't give us much of a chance to move on. I told myself to be neutral about this but I couldn't help get excited and was ultimatly crushed again. I'm pretty hurt right now. She said that "He is pretty awesome but I am attracted to you but I wanna be friends." I guess that's it. I have looks but no personality. Funny how someone wants to be your friend after they destroy you. This was something that kinda bothered me before how a girl would get a crush on me eventhough she didn't even know who I was. FUCK! FUCKING HELL MOTHER FUCKER SON OF A BITCH FUCKING COCK SUCKER FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD DAMN IT!! Maybe when I was going through that phase of cutting myself when I was depressed I should have spent more time cutting my face to shit instead of slicing up my arms that way I wouldn't run it this kinda shit all the fucking time. Fuck trying to make an effort to go out with someone. Fuck relationships. Fuck dating. Fuck everything! Ok. I'm done venting. I feel a little better now....I'm going to go get drunk. Current Mood: rejected (Comment on this)
Friday, July 14th, 2006
3:13 am	Damn it! tonight was interesting. I got a call from Dan so I went over and hung out with him, Brandon, and Riggs. Things still haven't changed for them. Dan's even dealing and the rest of them still think that getting high is the greatest thing in the world. Funny how ever time I run into someone I went to high school with it turns out to be the same thing, just another person throwing their life away with drugs. But the best part about that night was this guy came over to buy weed off Dan, Stephen was his name, he introduced himself to me and it was cool and everthing but then he and Riggs started talking shit to each other, just joking around like and then he said "man I'm going to rob you when you walk out of here." then he left. And I was like "Has he ever robbed anyone around here before?" Dan and Brandon said "Yeah. He said he robbed a pizza guy down at the other end of the building." "What car does he drive?" "It's an old car, it's pretty big." "Is it white?" "Yeah" "SON OF A BITCH! THAT WAS HIM! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING WHEN HE WAS IN HERE!?" God Damn it! I still can't believe that shit. I knew he look familar even with out the mask. Figures though. I knew he robbed me just so he could get money for his fucking weed, and it probably went straight to Dan. Brandon and Dan said that Stephen even told them his side of the story. He said I was about to cry and kept saying "Oh please don't shoot me!" Fucking bastard! I was about to start laughing at him when I turned around and saw him standing there. If I see him again I'll be sure to tell him he changed the course of my life, to want to be a cop instead of an actor. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
3:27 am	tired Damn it, I'm really being over worked. I worked a 1045 am to 8pm shift saturday, 6pm-1am shift yesterday, and a 6pm-130am shift tonight. I don't mean to bitch but it's kinda taking it's toll. I think I almost hit someone on my way home today. I like glanced at the radio for a second and then I heard these foot steps running out of the way and then when I looked in the rear view mirror I saw this kid flicking me off. But then again it's like what the hells your problem? I wasn't speeding (honest) and it was night and my lights were on so...f you! Don't start walking across the street when you see a car coming, especally when your not doing it at a cross walk. I was kinda freaked out for awhile because what if I did hit him. Then I really would feel like shit and then I'd have to change my major all over again. I'm really tired but I just can't sleep not with out drinking a little bit. I mean I'm not drinking to the point of throwing up or passing out just since I'm just getting off and theres really nothing else to do this late excpet watch a movie so what the hell, why not have a drink "trying to kill it all away but I remeber everything." Current Mood: drunk (Comment on this)
Monday, July 10th, 2006
3:10 am	eeehh My mom was ragging on me today. She said something about how I need to get a girlfriend and that I could get one alot easier if I got a better attitude. I understand what she's saying but I really don't go around feeling all pissed off all the time. I think I know what she means though, Josh thinks I hate him (which I don't) I guess it seems like I'm not very happy or I'm anti-social because I don't smile enough or I'm not outgoing enough for most people's taste. I've noticed it when I'm working and I'm giving someone a pizza at their door. I'll ask how they are and say have a good night, My tone will sound positive (to me) but I do notice that I don't smile. Most of the time when I do it just seems fony. I guess because I'm thinking about it. Anyway... I need to start getting into better shape. I work out and I've eaten probably 100 cans of tuna these past weeks but I'm still really skinny. Funny how people always bitch and complain on how they can't loose their weight and I want to know why I can't gain it. I want to stay in shape mainly because I want to be a police officer. We learned that the ones in prison are in better shape than most police officers. I really do need to drop these bad habits. I smoking a whole pack of cigerettes a day and drinking every night now. There are somethings that make me want to do this, my job is basically the reason why I keep smoking,but then again almost everyone else who works there is a smoker too. Why am I drinking now? I don't know. I'm sure there are a few reasons why but I don't feel like taking the time to bitch about them. Who ever else reads this thing must think I'm really pathetic since I only write on it when I'm feeling down anyway. "I've...seen things you people wouldn't believe...heh. Attacked ships on fire off the shoulder of orion. I watched C-Beams...glitter in the dark near the Tanhauser Gate. All of those..."moments"...will soon be lost...in time...like tears in rain...Time...to die" -From the film Blade Runner that was a good movie Current Mood: drunk (Comment on this)
Monday, July 3rd, 2006
11:58 pm	Why bother anymore Went out for pizza with Josh and Angela today. They got an extra large cheese pizza but Josh got upset because I eat two pieces. I had just got there and they already ordered (guess they couldn't wait for me) but I was really hungry and didn't think he would mind but obviously he did because he started ignoring me. He said money wasn't the issue but then he said he and Angela paid for it. I offered to give him three dollars for the two pieces I eat but he wouldn't take and would rather bitch about it. Sure he can share with Angela but not with me after all the other shit I've done for him. I got us both tickets for Sin City, King Kong, X-Men, and Superman. I've paid for him when we went and eat at Big Boy at least five times. I've never once asked him to pay me back for any of these things. And then there are all those DVDs I let him borrow so he could copy them. But I guess even after all that he couldn't even share a pizza with me. It was such a fucking spit in the face that he would make such a big deal about it. And I know that in his mind he doesn't think he did anything wrong either but after thinking about what happened and all I've done for him, it pretty much disgusted me. Current Mood: aggravated (1 Comment |Comment on this)
3:34 am	oh well AAAhhh...this damn hang over. Made most of my day suck since I had to go to work it was only a three and a half hour shift but it still sucked. I hung out with Casie again today we both talked about what happened the other day. We both agreed that it was something that just happened and probably shouldn't have happened in the first place but I was happy that we could talk through it and still remain friends in the end. It's better that way any how. (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 1st, 2006
2:36 am	anything can happen Isn't it funny how unexpected things can happen. I went for coffee with casie, I was glad that we could sit down and talk to each other again. Then we came back to my house and watched Batman Returns, she had never seen it before. At the end of the movie my cat blues jumps up on the coach and lays down on my lap. We both started petting her and then I guess our hands meet somewhere in there and she leened over, I leened over and...ah well we started making out all of a sudden and just laid there in each others arms for about an hour or so. I can honestly say I never expected anything like that to happen between us again...I don't think she did either. I droped her off and I she said something under her breath which sounded like "he must think I'm a real monster now." I think she said something like that. I asked what she said but told me to never mind, gave me a kiss, and got out. I was aware that she has a boyfriend which was the reason why I thought nothing would happen between us but I guess he lives in pennsylvania around where she goes to school now. But I guess it was partly my fault that I let it happen anyway but I think that what we did (in my opinion) I guess was something that we both just needed at the time. I'm not expecting anything more from this. It doesn't really matter to me if were just friends, more than friends I don't care. I just don't want us leaving each other on bad terms again. Current Mood: relaxed (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 29th, 2006
1:55 am	past week It's been ok...Seeing people I haven't seen in at least a year. I hung out with Casie the other day. Went better than I thought since she is an ex and last time we talked things ended horrbly...they always do it seems like. We just hung out as friends not doing anything. Seems like every year we seem to go on an annual date where we just end up making out and then dating and then some where in there everything goes to hell. We watched a movie and she put her head on my shoulder but that was it. I guess it was kinda refreshing in a way. I'm gald we could still remain friends after all the shit we put each other threw in the past two years. Then I ran into Ayana today (another ex) She was working at the video store so I just talked to her for about a half hour. I was the reason why that relationship failed, it was just a bad time for me but she found a new boyfriend but I was happy for her. I finally saw Megan again. I was happy that I got to see her but it's just kinda frustrating. We do talk but I get the feeling she doesn't tell me everything that's bothering her or what's been going on. She talks about how she needs to go to the store and I've offered to take her but I think she just doesn't want to go with me or basically see me anywhere outside of her apartment. I will admit would like things to go back to the way they were between us but I can tell she won't ever want to since she's now locked herself up so tight. I don't know maybe she just gets that way around me. I just feel so bad for her and I can't blame her for shuting herself out, she never knew her real parents, her adopted parents have practically disowned her, it seems like she's alone all day, and then there's what I did to her. Well...It's done with I guess. I hope things do turn up for her eventually. Anyway, looks like I won't be getting that apartment with Tom by the end of the summer because he's just not making enough money right now. Well maybe next year I'll be able to move out. Anyway I'm going to have to because my parents are selling the house since my dad's retiring the 30th, which is tommarrow. Oh well I can always keep saving my money. I went to see Superman Returns with Josh the other day. I was actually surprised that he liked it, usually he hates comic book movies but I was happy that I finally took him to a movie he enjoyed. I liked too but I was in kind of an emo mood I guess. For some reason I've been having alot of days where I just wake up and feel like shit but I don't know why. I hope josh and angella don't think it has something to do with them because it doesn't. They're both great friends to me but I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Maybe it's just the summer, hopefully I'll feel better when school starts again. Oh well tomarrow's another day. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
12:17 am	Am I really insane? That's what I'm asking myself right now. Acording to my mom I'm cynical, mean, and believe everyone is out to get me. My dad has something against me (which it seems like he always does) Are they just acting this way because I want to move out now? I don't even know anymore. Latley they've just been very bitchy with me and all they can talk about is how much money they think I owe them. Ok I forgot about father's day because I was working all weekend and didn't have time to watch tv and see all the fucking ads about the god damn bull shit holiday. Maybe sometimes I do feel hatred toward my dad for all the bullshit he put me through growing up. I mean I guess it is my fault that most of the time I can't think of any good times I had with him and come to think of it I really can't think of any. Like when I was taking karate and the most encouragement I got from him was "You think that karate will do you any good when I come after you with a baseball bat?" there was that among other ones like hearing him wanting to slam me up aganst the wall, and like one fathers day at our cottege where my sister drove back home and my cousin said "oh you still have your son here." "What son?" I mean god damn it. I'm sorry I can't forget about all those things but it's all I fucking grew up with. But you know what the great thing about this was, I always over heard him saying this to my mom (who did nothing) It's like he could never say anything to me himself. Sometimes I do wish he would now so I could knock his ass out. I did hit him one time. It was after I crashed my mom's car. He was pissed off because of how much he thought he was going to have to pay not thinking for one second if I was hurt or injured. Now my mom said about a half hour ago she thinks that I think I'm a victim of circumstance. She just came up to me and said it while I was on the computer not talking to any of them. I can't understand any of them anymore. I'm trying to save up to move out of here while aparently my sister is helping them pay the bills so now I'm the asshole of the house. I'm so fucking stressed out right now that I don't even know if this is making sense. After hearing about what my mom thinks of me I guess I am insane. I don't know. I really don't fucking know right now. I'm just so stresed out I can't write. I can't even think. I didn't even try to start a fight with them today they just fucking start in with me because I guess I hurt my dad's feelings again somehow. God damn every time we do ask him what he wants for father's day or his birthday he says nothing so what the fuck are they complaining about? I'm trying not to turn out like my dad. I'm REALLY trying I just need to get enough money and talk to tom again so we can get an apartment and I can move out of here. If I don't hear anything from him I don't care I'll take loans out I don't care I just can't stand living here any longer. Current Mood: frustrated (Comment on this)
Friday, June 16th, 2006
1:47 am	still in my mind Well theres something that's been eating away at me latly. Maybe it's just because it's the summer and I have too much free time to think about things or it's something other than that. All in all I've keep thinking about my ex Megan. I really do miss her. Sometimes at night I'll wake up and find myself laying on my side with my arms crossed over my chest and my hands resting on my shoulders. I sometimes thinking about where she's at now, what she's doing, who she's with. I told her that I wish I never broke us up because looking back on it I guess I realize that she was a keeper because I knew I could really trust her, and she would never cheat on me, which is a rear thing in it's self. I got an infection which I thought I got from her because my doctor said it was a trasmited virus. I guess I paniced and said I thought we shouldn't see each other anymore. At the time I thought it was a big deal and I was mean to her when she tried to talk to me again, then I vented all my anger by writing alot of mean stuff directed toward her on my facebook and myspace. I calmed down later on and tried to get back together with her but I was starting a new major and there was alot of work and studying involved where I could spend the time I needed to with her. Now she's gone and it doesn't look like I'll see her again. I've IMed her a few times and asked how she was doing. She says she's been working, I asked if it took up alot of her time and she said not really. Then I asked if we could ever see each other again over the summer and then she says that she's really busy and wouldn't be able to request a weekend off. She also said that she wouldn't be able to come back to Toledo anytime soon because she doesn't have a car. But I looked up one of her friends on facebook and saw a messege from her that said she was moving back up her around the 12th or 13th (which I do feel a little weird about doing). I asked her about that and she said those plans didn't go through, which I'm not sure about since I think I might have seen her on the bike trail one day, or atleast I thought I did (which happens alot.) Actually I can't really blame her. If it was me I'd probably feeling like, I don't know I mean she took care of me when I was sick, drove me home so I could drink at a cast party, she saw my three hour long boring show, and came to visit me at work, and then I don't even brake up with her in person I just sent her a text messege (I really couldn't talk at the time) then I wrote all these mean things directed at her. If it was me I'd probably say I just don't want to see him again. I'll just lie to him, fuck him. Usually when I talk about her I'll end up singing some stupid song, "Every rose has it's thorn" "Don't know what you got (till it's gone). Those are some corny songs but I guess I realize there true. Thinking about Megan at times I guess I didn't realize what I had. Now I'm just going to try and forget her, not even mention her anymore and beat myself up over it. I just had to write this all out to get it off my chest. When I was with her there were a few things that did kinda annoy me but..."Every rose has it's thorn" I guess what goes around comes around. I've said that I didn't want a girlfriend and that I'm better off on my own but I threw it away and now it's too late to make up for anything. The chances of us getting back together again or even seeing her are just...no that will never happen again. I said I'm better off alone, now I am. You reap what you soe. Just have to try and help myself by forgetting her, which I definatly won't since she was the first girl I did fall in love with..."Don't know what you got...Till it's gone" Just let it go. It's over. Current Mood: restless (Comment on this)
Monday, June 12th, 2006
11:11 pm	I feel better now... Today was fun. I rode my bike down the bike trail today mainly because I was feeling kinda stupid. A while ago I ran into some old friends and they gave me their numbers so we could hang out sometime. I finally got a chance to call Andrew who said he'd call me later on and we could all go hang out. Of course he never called back. Then today I called Allie and of course she was busy. Why would they give me their numbers if they're never going to call back or want to do anything? I mean it's not like I'm chasing for a relationship or anything I just wanted to hang out with people I hadn't seen in a few years. I've come to realize that if you work with alot of people like in the theatre and especally if you don't live on campus you have alot of aquaintinces but not alot of real friends. Oh well, they gave me their numbers so I called, they got mine so they can give me a call and I can guess that will be never. I do feel bad that I sold X before Josh was finished with it. I really thought he was since he had it for long enough, oh well I'll try to make it up later. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 11th, 2006
12:28 am	Dangerous? Today at work I took a delivery to an apartment. The guy who lived there had something wrong with his arm it was kinda gnarled or deformed. He wanted me to do him a favor which was to put the pizza on his table and open up the two liter bottle of coke he ordered and pour it into a glass. So I did. Later on the guy called back and said the pizza made him sick. I told one other person I worked with what happened when I went over there and he said he wouldn't have done that for fear of being robbed or possibly raped (and this is comming from a guy who's about three times my size.) Well that thought did occur to me for a second or two but I felt that I would have been able to fight him off. Anyway after doing a good deed for someone and then hearing that it's kind of disgusting how people are afraid of everything and everyone anymore. No wonder you have people keeping guns in their homes, and in their cars and locking themselves in their homes because a lot of people obviously see each other as enemies or think someone is going to come after them. That reminds me of the time I went down town with Megan and one of her friends. We got out of my car and a homeless guy came up to me and asked for a couple of dollars. Megan and her friend pretty much ran off as fast as they could but I gave the guy one dollar which besides my debit card was all that I had one me at the time (honest). After I ran to catch up with Megan she said "Why did you give that guy your money? He was probably rich." And I just thought "Oh yeah that man was rich and in his spare time he comes down town dressed as a bum and tries to fool people into giving him their change." Why are people so paranoid and stupid? Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 1st, 2006
11:10 pm	i don't know I feel like crap and I don't know why. Seems like since this week started I've just been depressed for no real reason. Could be that I have nothing to do or just that I have to go to work all the time. One thing I do know that sucks is that I know I could quit smokeing if I didn't have this fucking job. I could just stop working there but I need money to get out of my house. I'm so fucking sick of hearing about money all the time, my parents are obsessed with it. I guess they think that it's time for me and my sister to pay them back for taking care of us. I really don't know how a parent can ask that but they're getting old and cranky. Oh yeah another damned depressing thing I saw a few days ago was when I had to make a delivery to this place late at night. It wasn't a really a hospital because all the paitents were really old and it defenatly wasn't a retirement center because there were no recreation rooms or anything. It just seemed like a place for them to rest as they were waiting to die. It just seemed like there was this really miserable atmosphere the whole time I was in that place, I mean it was enough for me to think to myself "God damn I hope I die before I get old." as I walked out. Kinda scary actually. I also hope I don't turn out like my dad. Getting bad easily (which unfortunatly it seems like I got from him and I am really trying to fight that) and putting all the blame on others, mainly my sister and myself. Damn it I wish things didn't get to me at all. Not surprising I went off on Josh again, I don't know why he puts up with me, I don't know why anyone does. Come to think of it I don't know why any girl ever found me atractive and wanted to go out with me. Why? I've got nothing to offer anyone anyway. The best way for me to stop feeling down is to just think about what I have to be angry about and it turns out to be nothing but then I suddenly try to think what I should be happy about and again it's nothing, then depression sets in. Some how I just need to snap myself out of this pissy mood and be happy no matter how pointless or stupid it may be. God I hate feeling like this, I hate writing about it, I wish...I don't know what for, My parents say I should get a new girlfriend, I don't know if I even can anymore without spreading a fucking disease, besides I'll even admit that I'm almost afraid to get into another relationship and risk catching something again. I don't know, I'll just keep smiling and close my eyes and dream of better days. Current Mood: gloomy (Comment on this)
Monday, May 29th, 2006
2:43 am	what's new Not a whole lot. Today I got to go to work and then to Rachel's birthday party. It wasn't bad, I would have had more fun if I wasn't feeling so burnt out from working five straight days I also showed up a lot later than everybody else. Well I got the next two days off so I can relax. I went and saw x3 with Josh thursday night, it was very half assed and a big disapointment. The only real good part about that night was that I got to see so many of my old friends, who knows when I'll ever see them again. Also tonight about around 1:30am my drunken mom turned into a superbitch again. God damn it I really need to get out of this fucking house, I'm saving all my money now to get me started on an apartment. I cannot fucking believe them. Every sunday night they come back from the cottege (which is an hour and a half away) drunk off they're asses. Like tonight, I made the mistake of telling my mom that I saw a few black ants crawling around in my room. So in her head it made sense that she get a can of cinnamon and pour random piles of it all over my room. I got angry for the obvious reason and not to mention she was drunk and didn't have any god damn pants on. I forced her out of my room and threw the can of cinnamon down the hall. As I was sweeping it up she began bitching at me about how she had heared somewhere that the cinomon was supposed to drive away the ants. She also wanted to grab the broom away from me so she could sweep it up and have something else to bitch about. Also, she was holding the door open, and fucking standing outside yelling and screaming at me to sweep the fucking pile outside. I mean how the fuck do they expect me to take them seriously and listen to them when this kind of shit happens every fucking time they come back from the god damn cottege. I want to get the fuck out of here. At least my dad calmed down but he used to get really mean when he was drunk and threaten to beat up with a baseball bat or he would just put us all down by saying he never wanted a family even on holidays like thanksgiving or christmas. I guess it's kinda easy to get over now since he doesn't do it anymore but it really sucked back when I was going through a complete hell called jr. high. Life then was basically getting threatened and pushed around by assholes at school to going home and getting threatened and put down by a bigger asshole. I hate christmas especially now. Ever since 2002 on christmas eve when we get together with our relatives. I was working at kroger at the time and was very shy around every one. My cousin would walk in sometimes and usually I wouldn't say hi (That's an example of how shy I was) So when christmas eve came that year she got all fucking drunk and took it like I was a stuck up little brat from sylvaina and didn't even want to talk to them. I was very shy and depressed at the time and if I could have gotten myself to do those simple things at the time I would have but I couldn't. So she begins giving me all kinds of shit about it, making fun of me constantly. I wouldn't have minded it if she only did it a few times but she had to keep running it in to the fucking ground so that everyone in the whole fucking house was laughing at me, fucking drunken rednecks. It took almost all of my energy to hold my rage in but when I got home I really went off, throwing chairs around, yelling, cussing, I swear to god I don't think I have ever been more pissed off in my entire life. Families fucking suck. The main reason why I don't want to get married and have kids is that more than likly I'll probably turn out just like my dad. I don't know why he's always fucking bitching about money, I guess he'd be happier if he just spent five dollars on a pack of condoms, I never asked to live anyway. Though I did miss my chance to get out of here on wednesday. I was rushing on my way to work and noticed I only had a half a tank of gas left. I figured I get gas later in the middle of my shift but then I decided to get gas anyway at dorr and mccord. I was in a hurry I had to wait in a big long line to pre pay for my gas, which pissed me off because I never know how much to put in to fill up my tank. So after finaly getting through the line and getting my gas I continued on my way to work. As I came to the inersection at mccord and hill I saw a car accident that had just taken place, one car was completely totalled and the pickup truck was knocked upside down. The ambulance or the police hadn't even shown up yet. If I hadn't stopped to get gas...I wonder... Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Friday, May 12th, 2006
11:40 pm	summers suck Ok school over again and I hate it already. Now that I'm not working really hard, concentrating on when I need to get something done, I really don't have anything special to look forward to. I got my grades back today. Out of my five classes I got three As one B and an F in sociology. Fucking hell why didn't I drop that class after I failed the first test. I really worked my ass off last semester too and I still failed a class. I'll have to take it again but at least I know which professor not to take. Well I still have my job which is enough to keep me busy, and I still have my really good friends to hang out with sometimes but I just feel like I could be doing something better with myself instead of sitting around all day watching star trek. Well if there was something better to do I'm sure I'd be doing it anyway. Tonight I got into a bad mood. I did see someone from southview that I hadn't seen in a long time or didn't expect to see again for that matter. I did feel stupid after the conversation though, well I do after many of them because I used to be very shy and had to fight with myself on how to break it. Usually when events like this happen I feel stupid about myself and think maybe I could have said something better, could have acted friendlier, or just something so that I would second guess myself afterward. That was part of it, the other was a minor argument I had with Josh. He has a talent of knowing exactly what not to say but says it anyway. I still have a problem with just laughing things off, it's not as bad as it used to be but I still have something of a wicked temper. Anyway I got pissed off and hit him twice which really made me feel like crap afterward because I really hate hitting people. I don't know. It's like right after you do it you really wish you didn't because it doesn't make you feel any better. Oh well everybody gets pissed off once in awhile. Oh well, there is that and then theres the that feeling of not fitting in. I hung out with Adam and Dan the other day, I hadn't seen Adam since graduation and Dan since we went to Canada. It was cool because we all could still talk to each other like we used to but of course they're pot heads like all my other friends turned out to be and I just don't think I could call them on a regular day to hang out because I know all they'll want to do is get fucked up on pot or whatever it is that they can get their hands on. It happens sometimes with Josh and Angela when they talk about things that I don't know anything about or just don't have any interest in, like this obsession with gay anime or manga. I used to watch anime when I was going through a big street fighter and blade runner phase but now I just don't even know who that shits supposed to be for. Well I probably shouldn't talk because I was heavy into comic books for a long time. But everything just seems so stupid and pointless now. I went from comic books to anime back to comic books and now on to star trek. I really don't know if those steps go up or down but I'll just watch star terk for now but in a few months I'll probably say that it's stupid and pointless as well. I just need something waste the pointless time of summer vacataion. I used to think that I'd only be really happy if I got into a serious relationship until I met Megan. It was really good at first but then me and Josh got into a big fight about how I ditched him to go to a big holloween party that was downtown with Megan. I went because I wanted to spend time with her and because I didn't want her to get chased after by a bunch of drunks. Her friend Becky was there that night and she was wasted and dancing with three guys at the same time which really looked like a gang banging which made me feel alot better that Megan was there with me. I noticed that when we first started going out Josh would always try to get me to complain about her which I would obviously would have a few things to bitch about but so what, it's very rare that you just get a perfect relationship without having to work at it. I don't know if he was doing that because he just didn't like her that much all of a sudden or because he didn't want me to spend most of my time with her. But when there were the periods when Josh and I wouldn't talk for months, that was the point where I really just became annoyed with her. For some reason everything she did or said just pissed me off and I would start thinking "I can't believe I gave up my best friend for this idiot." Well we broke up and for some reason I still miss her. She was the first girl who I said that I loved but then I realized that I really didn't because I thought about what would happen if she got pregnat and I knew that I would have done anything to get out of that situation. I probably would have stayed with her anyway but I know that I would have been fucking miserable and would have done just about any dumb ass thing that I could think of that would have gotten my self killed. Well Megans gone now and I'm glad I was able to get my best friend back. I don't know, I just feel so useless right now because I have nothing important to do. I really wouldn't mind getting into a new relationship but I probably wouldn't be able to keep it going once school starts again. Giving all my attention on learning how to be a police officer which will most likly be a very lonely and unhappy life since I've learned that a police officers job takes up alot of time which I'll probably be working all night and sleeping during the day, the job itself was ranked one of the most stressful jobs in the country and a police officer is more likly to have problems with alcohol, stress, and domestic violence. But there's just nothing else that I can think of that I would want to do. Damn it. I just want to be able to get through college so I can have a good job, in some ways I wish I stayed with theatre. Then again I've never wanted a regular nine to five job and have to wear a fucking normal suit to a fucking office. So many choices to make and way too much time. Well I could always say this about myself "Ben you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on." Another summer. More pointless time to waste. I tried so hard to stop being the depressed shy loner that I was for so long but sometimes I feel like I'm turning back into it. "When I find all the reasons Maybe I'll find another way Find antoher day With all the changing seasons of my life Maybe I'll get it right next time And now that you've been broken down Got your head out of the clouds You're back down on the ground You don't talk so loud You don't walk so proud Anymore. And what for." Current Mood: rejected (Comment on this)